I'm a snitch!

Snitchn’! The title comes from a song called “Snitch” by our brother known as Trip Lee.  The song is based off of James 5:16 about confessing your faults to those who you “walk” with.  One quote from the song is “I ain’t just trying to look Christ like, I’m wanna walk this!” and that’s really what I’m trying to do.  I want to live inside out with no dirty little secrets so I thought I’d start with this testimony.  Pray my strength! “Snitch” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrOjxo3b9EA&feature=related James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.  The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. So, my homie Monique came to my dorm yesterday and asked me if I wanted to ride to ATL.  I was a little hesitant because I don’t have money for gas or a hotel at the moment; it’s not really in my budget (if I had one lol) but she told me not to worry about it!  I started thinking about the work I have to do as well but then I promised myself that I would get work done if I go (I’m up and about to get started on some work after I finish this).  So yeah, here I am on my way to ATL, out of the blue!  Another one of our friends who was “in charge” of finding a hotel for us decided that maybe we should stop in Charlotte to not have to drive the whole way to Georgia at once.  She told us that we could stay at her Grandma’s house.  She called her Grandma and let her know that we were in need of a place to stop on our way to Atlanta and she welcomed us to come. (I’ll come back with another testimony about her Grandma next time!!) On the way to Charlotte I sat in the back seat and reflected a little on this past week.  It has been a rough one.  After church on Sunday for some reason I was frustrated.  I can’t recall my thought process but somehow several things were heavily on my mind.  I am focusing more on trying to apply messages that I receive from services rather than just hearing them and that message was so powerful that I honestly did not know where to start in terms of applying it to my life.  My family was on my mind as well, along with things that I want but don’t have.  Of course this frustration and anxiety was from the enemy because I had just been empowered after that service. Long story short all this week I felt myself reverting back to the old, dead, buried DD.  I just shut down.  I didn’t want to be around anyone, I felt bitter, aggravated, a little depressed, and stressed.   Small things were bothering me, I was upset with my roommate and avoided her most of the week.  I didn’t even sleep in my room, but in the lounge in my dorm instead.  Many of you don’t know but for about two years since I’ve been at UNC that’s how my life has been.  Of course no one knew because I can easily put on a smile and act silly to hide what I’m going through.  There were several weeks in the past two years where I have avoided close friends, wouldn’t sleep in my room, cried myself to sleep, walked around feeling depressed in my spirit, etc. all while wearing a smile when need be.  During this time was when masturbation became my stress reliever and during this week of resurrecting the old DD I fell into that sin and I subjected myself to movies (not necessarily porn) but movies with sexual scenes that I should not have been viewing. Whenever I fall knowingly like that I learn from Adam and Eve’s mistake and make the choice to go to God immediately.  I know I have victory over sin and every sin I commit will be forgiven so I confessed and repented.  I felt forgiven by God but I still felt guilty because I know that I also let you down, my brothers and sisters in Christ, the body of Christ.  I did not want to stay in this guilt and condemnation so it didn’t last too long. I made myself listen to the Holy Spirit encouraging me not to isolate myself any longer.  I honestly believe there is a spiritual reason for everything that happens.  My friend Moriah wanted me to chill with her after class on Thursday (this was before I fell but still during my time of isolation) which forced me not to go back to my room and sleep for the rest of the day and fall more and more into a “pit.”  Then today after my first class I told myself I was going to skip my next class and just go back to my room and sleep.  However, during my first class my TA told me she wanted to see me after class to talk about my paper.  She knows I have a second summer class so I’m sure during our meeting she would have stopped to give me time to go to class.  It may sound weird but In my heart I would have felt guilty and probably would have told her that I wasn’t going to go to class (idk why but my conscience makes me do stuff like that lol) I don’t like feeling that way in front of people so I decided to skip all that, let her know that I would need to meet with her later since class was running over the allotted time and I needed to get to my other class.  She said that was cool and told me to come to her when my second class was over.  In my mind that was going to mess up my plan to go back to my room and sleep after class (even though I could have slept after our meeting it wasn’t the same because I had a plan to be in my room at a certain time to sleep my “problems” away but to still wake up at a somewhat decent time so I could get other stuff done).  After my meeting with her (it was around 1:30 pm by this time) I remembered that I signed for an experiment at 3pm, so if I went to sleep I knew I would miss the appointment!  I decided to just walk around the Arboretum (our school’s garden) and started talking to God.  Then one of the girls I mentored last year popped in my head and I forgot I hadn’t returned her text from the other day.  I found out that she was in class on campus but didn’t think I’d run into her.  I was on my way to get food before the experiment; to relieve my hunger so that I would be able to go back to my room well fed after the experiment and SLEEP, when I heard someone call my name.  I turned around and it was her.  I talked with her for a few minutes and told her I’d join her again after I ate.  She ended up leaving before I finished my food so instead of going to my room and risk missing my appointment I went to the library to read and pray.  The Holy Spirit led me to write a letter to my roommate explaining what’s been going on with me this week because I had been rude to her earlier that week and had been avoiding her.   All of this lifted a weight off of me and my desire to sleep everything away was diminishing because I was actually casting all of my cares onto God and he was giving me things to do to handle my stress instead of sleeping.  However, after the experiment was over I still ended up going to sleep but only because I was sincerely tired, not to sleep on any cares.  I was sleep for about an hour when Monique and two other friends showed up at my door.  I’m glad I decided to join her on the trip because although I was feeling a lot lighter, I still would have stayed to myself this weekend because that was my plan to get my work done.  Isolation for me is a killer though!! Although sometimes it’s healthy for me to be alone I’m able to discern when it is or isn’t.  I honestly believe that the enemy would have had his way with me this weekend had I not decided to go and be around my strong sisters in Christ. Final Note: please obey the Holy Spirit when you feel led by Him to give someone a call, invite them somewhere or to encourage them in some way.  You really have no idea what may be going on with them and in the spiritual realm where that one simple act of obedience may change their life!! Prayer: I thank you Daddy for who you are.  I thank You that you use my terrible choices to display your grace and mercy and I am humbled by it.  Thank you for my angels around me; my friends.  Thank you for your love and light that shines through them.  I am so glad your love for me is unconditional because I am not perfect.  I thank you that I can finally admit that I am not perfect and that my mistakes serve as a testimony of your goodness, forgiveness and love.  Help me to never be ashamed of the power of the Good News and to never steal your glory by not telling others about my testimonies.  Help me to uphold the standards that you have given me to walk in holiness and purity!  Help me to go back to abstaining myself from ALL things (TV shows, music, movies, conversations, etc.) that don’t glorify you despite what others may think so that I can truly please you.  From this day forward help me to have more evidence of the fruit of the spirit in my life, especially those I seem to be lacking like self-control, peace and goodness.  In Jesus name, Amen. Deborah